AITAH For Not Telling My Partner About My Debt Until After Moving In

Let me start by saying I never meant to deceive my partner. Like many people in their late 20s, I accumulated some credit card debt and student loans that got out of hand. When my boyfriend (now live-in partner) and I were dating, money never came up beyond splitting dinner checks. But now that we’ve moved in together, my financial baggage has become our problem. Was I wrong to wait this long to come clean?

The Debt Snowball Begins

My financial troubles started in college. Between tuition gaps, textbooks, and that semester abroad I couldn’t really afford, I graduated with $28K in student debt. Then came the “real world” expenses – first apartment deposits, a car repair emergency, and yes, some irresponsible shopping to cope with stress. By the time I met Jake two years ago, my total debt was hovering around $42K.

Jake comes from money. Not yacht money, but “parents paid for college in full” money. He’s never missed a payment on anything in his life. Meanwhile, I was doing the credit card shuffle every month, transferring balances to avoid interest. The shame kept me silent.

The Moving In Crossroads

When Jake suggested we move in together after 18 months of dating, I panicked. His budget spreadsheet included our combined incomes but none of my $650/month minimum payments. I told myself: “I’ll get this under control before it affects us.” Famous last words.

We found a beautiful (pricey) apartment that stretched our theoretical budget. Jake was confused when I hesitated at the lease signing. “Is something wrong?” he asked. I shook my head and signed. That was my first real lie.

The First Financial Fight

Everything unraveled when my car needed new brakes last month. When I asked to delay our vacation fund contribution, Jake pressed for details. The truth came out in tearful fragments: the credit cards, the deferred student loans, the collection notices I’d been hiding.

“You’ve been lying to me this whole time?” Jake looked more hurt than angry. “We based major life decisions on false numbers!” He wasn’t wrong. Our rent was nearly 40% of my take-home pay after debt payments – a fact I’d concealed.

The Aftermath Fallout

The past three weeks have been tense. Jake says he can’t trust me now, and I get it. But I also feel defensive – money was my mess to handle. Was I obligated to disclose every financial detail while we were just dating?

Here’s where I might be the AH: I knew moving in would intertwine our finances. Jake has been covering more than his share of groceries and utilities because my paychecks were stretched thin. My silence created an unequal partnership.

Seeking Financial Counseling

We started couples counseling last week, with a focus on financial transparency. The therapist helped me see that debt isn’t just a personal issue when you’re building a life together. Jake agreed to attend a credit counseling session with me next week.

I’m creating a real repayment plan instead of avoiding statements. It’s embarrassing to admit how deep the hole was, but Jake says he appreciates the honesty now. Still, the trust isn’t fully repaired.

Was I The AH?

Looking back, I should have disclosed my debt before combining households. Not necessarily on the first date, but definitely before signing a lease together. My intentions weren’t malicious, but the impact matters more.

Jake’s main hurt isn’t about the money itself – it’s that I didn’t trust him enough to be vulnerable. Financial secrets create power imbalances, and that’s no foundation for a healthy relationship.

Your Judgment Matters

So, AITAH? Should I have come clean sooner, or was it reasonable to handle my debt privately until it directly affected us? Have you been in a similar situation? Share your thoughts in the comments – I’ll be reading every response as we navigate this financial and relationship repair process.

For couples considering moving in together: Have the money talk early. Not just income, but debts, spending habits, and financial goals. Trust me, it’s harder to rebuild trust than to build it right the first time.